Mind Turds of a Mortal Goddess

Wow...

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:22:54 GMT

Okay, so I haven't been on here in over a year. LOSER! Meh, s'ok. Life gets in the way sometimes. And by Life, I mean the squalling bundle of two-year old, 29 pound Spawn sitting on my lap as I type. Say hi to the people, KJ.

KJ: WWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

O.O Yeah.

So, Happy Fucking New Year, Everyone. I get to ring in the New Year with the squalling bundle of two-year old Spawn as the spouse is working tonight. <_< Fan-fucking-tastic. In the five plus years we have been married, we have not gotten to have a really great ringing in of the New Year. It was either cards with his family, singing at the church, cards with his family, Spawn, Spawn, or Spawn. I love my Spawn, though. Don't get me wrong. But I want to be a grown up for a little bit! You know, drink, have fun, not worry about if the potty training is going to pot, so to speak, if I don't get her to the bathroom in time. Moment. KJ has something to type. Go ahead, Spawn. Message From KJ: uy7ryg7e6r6dgd dgfrygrftr6re6r46534q43656 5637q8857777777777778sazd5555555555555555555555555555555555555555sd Uh, yeah. Translation: ZOMG! If my maternal parental unit calls me Spawn one more fucking time, I'm going to shit on her lap! I mean, she's the one who chose to have me. I was happy on my cloud, just chilling with the cherubs and then, BAM! I'm cold, wet, and gooey. And then she stuck her fucking boob in my mouth! WTF?! Seriously, Mom? Seriously?! Whatever. Yeah, can you tell I need adult interaction besides just work? Good news is I get a break for about four hours on Saturday. That's right. For my sister's birthday, she and I are going and getting our hair done. Cut, dyed, the whole shit. Hopefully (please, oh ye GODS!), my mother, blessed Saint that she is, will take my Spawn while the spouse sleeps since he is working all GODDAMN weekend too! But I digress... So, I'm alive. Still have this account. Hooray. I'll try to get on here every now and then. Pretty much stay on MySpace. *dodges LiveJournal gods wrath* Anyway...later.

Just for the Fun of It!!

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 00:00:28 GMT

1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favorite Movies:

5. Favorite Songs:

6. Favorite Bands/Artists:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. Whats your philosophy on life?

11. Would you have my back in a fight?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. Would you give me a kidney?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

17. Can we get together and make a cake?

18. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

19. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

20. Do you think I'm a good person?

21. Would you drive across country with me?

22. Do you think I'm attractive?

23. If you could change anything about me, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

26. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

It's Official!

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 13:01:02 GMT

October 6, 2006, is my last day at work and that weekend, hubby, baby and I will be trekking out to Missouri. We're moving!

I'm scared and I'm excited at the same time. The one thing that is scaring me to death is that I just don't want Joel to regret it and decide to leave (me) in a few months, years, whatever. I don't think he will, but still...

So, that's what's going on. Ennie, call me. I tried to call you last night, but you weren't there. I need to see you. Love you.

I KNEW I Was Divine!

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 12:43:49 GMT

TABLE cellPadding=20 align=center>
<tbody>
<tr>
<td align="middle">Aphrodite
66% Extroversion, 46% Intuition, 100% Emotiveness, 80% Perceptiveness </td></tr>
<tr>
<td>Funloving, talkative, flamboyant, social... you are most like Aphrodite. You love parties, people, fashion, and sex. You're impulsive, inconcise, and you find crowds and parties to be energizing. You're optimistic, upbeat, and frequently irrational. You hate structure and routine, and you don't like know-it-alls. You're not really a "big picture" person, however, and might not always assess the consequences of your actions before taking them. You do have a very strong hedonistic streak, though, and this gives you a magnetic personality. You dislike people who think too much.

Famous People like you: Elvis, Eva Gabor, Paris Hilton, Elizabeth Taylor Stay very, very, very far away from: Atlas, Prometheus, The Oracle, Daedalus, and Hermes. Seek out: Everyone else. </td></tr>
<tr>
<td align="middle"> </td></tr></tbody></table>

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 83% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 34% on Intuition

You scored higher than 70% on Emotiveness

You scored higher than 67% on Perceptiveness

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

To Whom It May Concern:

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 12:54:11 GMT

Please accept this letter as my resignation from the human race.

After twenty-six years of trying to find my way in the masses of biological beings that refer to themselves as 'humans', I have found that there is not even the slightest microbe of humanity in any of them, with the occasional exception. However, the comparative numbers are entirely too massive to even reconsider denouncing my human specification.

After being told a countless number of times that my best is simply not good enough or that I am completely undependable, I have reached this decision to join the ranks of artificial intelligence beings known as cyborgs. Since I have been treated like my feelings are non-existent or simply do not matter, I will give them up. To not feel is, essentially, better than to hurt at all times.

No more will I answer to my human name, but rather to the number that I am treated as. I will simply exist to serve, efficiently and perfectly, with no margin for human error, since all of my humanity has now been removed. And when it becomes logical for me to be upgraded, I will comply. If my parts are no longer compatible for upgrade, I will accept that my dismantling is simply and logically a part of progress, and I will simply cease to exist.

Awaiting Further Instruction,

ks421

I Have Improved!

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 18:43:55 GMT

You Are 74% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Just a Rant

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 14:50:15 GMT

I don't know what made me think of this, but I have a serious pet peeve with my so-called "best friend". For the sake of argument, let's call her Wunie.

Wunie has a false sense of entitlement. She thinks that because she is 28, not married and still living at home with her daddy, that the world should be subserviant to her.

Wrong, nanernose!

Listen, I feel sorry that she isn't married yet and wants to be, but don't go laying your hang-ups on everyone else!

I remember one time, me and my husband and Wunie and a bunch of our friends all went out to eat at this Mexican restaurant. Well, it was later on Sunday and there wasn't a lot of people in the restaurant. Soccer was on the TV, and you know how the rest of the known world is about soccer...the same way American's are about football or baseball. Gotta, hafta, needta watch it. Well, the waiters were taking our orders, and doing a fairly good job of it, I might add, and watching soccer. When they brought out our drinks, Wunie had ordered water with lime. They forgot the lime. They had to get it from the bar. Wunie looks over at me and glares and says, "I'm about to get ill!" meaning, "I am so pissed off at this stinkin' immigrant for forgetting MY limes, I'm going to deport him myself." (Did I mention she's a bit of a bigot, too? Whole other rant!)

She was so rude to the waiters, even before the forgotten lime incident. They repeated her order back to her, left out one little thing and she's sighs really big and says, "NO! I said...blah blah blah."

I'm getting to where I don't want to have anything to do with her. I haven't talked to her in almost a month (a very blissful month, I might add). Everything is about her, she never asks about anything going on with us unless it is a prelude to what is happening in her all too dull life.

Sometimes I wish I could just phase her out, a la Phoebe and Monica on Friends.

So, I guess all that's left to be said is that Wunie is, how my dear friend Ennie says so eloquently, a Gina!

OMG....I LOVE IT!

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 14:04:23 GMT

RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! (The Threequel)

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 14:32:28 GMT

Someone help me...PLEASE!!!

What the HELL is a "hundred bill"? Can someone please tell me? I've heard of "hundreds", "hundred DOLLAR bills", "C-notes", but never, EVER a "hundred bill".

Ugh! I hate my job sometimes.

The demi-goddess seems to be sedated for the moment. No need to bring out the tazers. I'm hoping she got into some good Tennessee whiskey and is sleeping off her drunkeness.

Blah.

End transmission.

Poof.

Blah!

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 19:29:21 GMT

What a blah! day! Have you ever had one? It's like all I want to do is sleep.

I did get a little riled up earlier. "Envelop/envelope" again. Ugh! What is wrong with these people? I'm beginning to believe that fried food is somehow connected to stupidity. The more fried food you eat, the more brain cells are lost. There has to be a link somewhere.

Anyway...blah!

I Don't Know What It Is, Exactly...

Sat, 06 May 2006 15:50:46 GMT

...but for some reason, I cannot stand people today. They are all inconsiderate, obnoxious, annoying pissheads that I can almost understand why some of them drown in 3 centimeters of water or suffocate in a plastic bag.

If one more person comes through this drive-thru and does not talk to me because they are too busy inserting radioactive particles into their brains via their cellphones, I am going to refuse to wait on them. Cellphones are inevitably going to be the downfall of mankind. Soon we will see people unable to walk unless they have the contraption permanently attached to their ears like some sort of disgusting fashion accessory. If terrorists want to destroy America, all they would have to do is annihilate the cellphone companies. It appears we cannot live without the infernal things.

I even got irritated speaking with my husband today. It's like all I wanted to do was tell him to shut up and to quit talking to me. And I called him! No, I am not PMSing...I just think that today I would be happier as something other than a human. Perhaps today I should have woke up a peacock, or a mink...or a skunk.

Oh great! Now there is a lady in the drive-thru with a head full of curlers! I need a vacation...bad. I think that is what I need. A change of scenery. My sanity demands it! The world will be a safer place once I get it. Seriously contemplating installing a machine gun mechanism in the drive-thru to pepper the vehicles with paint balls as they enter my domain.

Fear me you lecherous peasants! You have no idea of the powers I have and the reign of terror I shall impose on all of you! Have at thee, you cocksucking, toe tonguers!

Maybe I'll go lay in a tanning bed after I get off work. That tends to relax the demon within.

Wow! Now here's a lovely specimen of femininity and congeniality. She looks like Frankenstein, if Frankenstein was a drag queen on meth. She's asking if she should "mash" the button to get the tube to open. Mash. Ha!

I have no more faith in mankind. Too much inbreeding and chemical highs from paint thinners. The stuff thins paint, moron! What do you think it is doing to your brain cells? It certainly isn't adding to them.

Okay...it is now official. I do not exist. This man that I just waited on somehow got his money from an unknown supernatural source. When I greeted him, he did/said nothing. When I bid him a great day and thanked him for his business, he did/said nothing. Simply waited for the Magic Tube of Destiny to reveal to him what his slip of prophetic paper would give him. Forty dollars, in case you are wondering. Thank you, banking gods for this gift bestowed upon me from the Magic Tube of Destiny! I shall use it wisely to purchase beer and paint thinner for a weekend of debauchery!

Ugh.

I wish I could somehow install something on my journal so that when people read my entries I could write, "This message will now self destruct" and a lovely cyber poof of smoke would show up on their screen. I just think it would be fun.

How much would paintball machine guns being installed on my SUV cost, I wonder? I would plaster BMWs, Mercedes, and Lexi (the plural for Lexus, of course) with pink paint balls. Wouldn't that be fun?

Toenails need to be painted.

Shaved my legs this morning.

Hair needs...well, an overhaul.

Hi Enoch.

Hi Aaron.

Blah.

Okay, end transmission.

(Use your imaginations and pretend that there is a poof of smoke on your screen, as this message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.)

Poof.

Oh My, My!

Mon, 01 May 2006 17:54:14 GMT

<td align="center"> Kandi --
[adjective]:

Benevolent to a fault

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! (The Sequel)

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 15:12:29 GMT

Inbred hicks abound! I am beginning to feel seriously outnumbered.

Again, two words, two completely different meanings, yet used THE SAME!!

idea (noun): an opinion, a thought to be presented as a suggestion; a plan

ideal (noun): a perfect example of something or somebody, or something that is considered a perfect example

Example: An idea would be to put real flowers on a wedding cake as decorations. An ideal would be, in my opinion, like the code of chivalry. It is a set of practices that define chivalry (ie, The Ideal of Chivalry).

Maybe I'm completely over reacting to this, but it just gets my goat when I have an IDEA and suggest it to someone and they say, "Oh, what a good IDEAL!" It just grates on my last nerve!

She-Demon has broken down her cage and is currently seeking the exit to the dungeon. If she finds that and escapes, my God have mercy on us all.

My Birthday

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:46:29 GMT

So, yesterday was my birthday! Hooray for me! I turned twenty-six years old and I feel wonderful! Many people have told me that turning twenty-five is great, but turning twenty-six is terrible and depressing. I am glad to say that is not the case with me. True, I am not where I expected to be on my twenty-sixth birthday, but I think that I am happier than I would have been. Let us reflect...

When I was eighteen and graduated high school, I had set some goals for myself. I wanted to be a successful writer with a contract with a huge publishing company and have several books published, one in the pipeline to become a major motion picture and several more on the way. Royalties coming in left and right. I was career oriented. I wanted to be successful in my career and be a world reknown author and screenplay writer. This is still a dream of mine, but I have come to realize what is important in my life.

In the above scenario, a family was optional. Now, however, in real life, I find that a family is a must have. I got married when I was twenty-two to a wonderful, handsome, caring man who I absolutely love and adore and I know he feels the same about me. We now have a gorgeous 10-month old daughter (KJ) who has completed our lives. I feel wonderful and I love what I have.

Sure, I don't have the book contract and the royalties coming in from the movie inspired by my book, but I have something better: I have love. I have contentment when I watch my baby girl sleeping peacefully curled up next to me. I have joy when my husband looks at me with love in his eyes, knowing that I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him. In my opinion, I have it all.

I once read a quote that said, "If you shoot for the moon and miss, you'll still be among the stars." So, the book contract and movie is my moon. I shot and missed. Right now, I'm content to dance among the stars with my family. And what a blissful dance it is.

Tragedy

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 16:54:36 GMT

I have a co-worker who just suffered a tragedy this weekend. It started Friday afternoon. She and her family took her 17-month old granddaughter to Children's Hospital. The baby has Hoof-Mouth Disease (I forget the technical term for it, but it sounds like Kawasachi). Anyway, she had broken out into a rash all over her little body and she had a fever. If this goes on for too long, it could cause severe heart-muscle damage. Forturnately, they didn't let it get that bad. While in the hospital, the baby had to have a blood transfusion. She is getting better and should be able to go home soon.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have a home to go to.

While they were all up at the hospital, a fire started and burnt their houses to the ground (they live next to each other). Their houses, three vehicles and everything they own are gone. The only casualty was a kitten since everyone was up at the hospital with the baby. Her son, however, had a trailer that was too old to be insured. Everything gone and no compensation for it.

I feel so bad for them all. I have emailed Ellen Degeneres because I know what a big heart she has and I hope she will help us help them. Everyone just keep them in your prayers.

Since My Birthday is Coming Up...

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 19:17:17 GMT

Your Birth Month is April

You are trustworthy and highly ethical in all facets of life.
Helpful and steady, you are able to solve any problem.

Your soul reflects: Bliss, playfulness, and curiosity

Your gemstone: Diamond

Your flower: Sweet Pea

Your colors: Yellow and red

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 19:33:11 GMT

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.
You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.
Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.
And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Butt Suckers

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 17:07:09 GMT

I am slightly ticked off right now. Okay, maybe more than just slightly.

The hubby and I took KJ to North/South Carolina this weekend to see her great-grandmother for her 80th birthday. It was a good trip for the most part. I loved seeing Grandma and all of Joel's relatives, BUT...some of them were Butt Suckers.

For those of you who don't know what that is, let me enlighten you and cure your ignorance. Butt Suckers are those individuals who choose to fill their lungs with deadly, poisonous fumes that clog their lungs with soot and tar, then breathe those fumes out for the non-Butt Suckers to breathe in. In short, Butt Suckers are smokers.

Now, Joel's dad, brothers, and sisters-in-law smoke. However, they have what I like to call "smoking etiquette". "Smoking etiquette" is a respect for non-smokers. They smoke outside, away from the non-smokers. I was especially grateful for this "smoking etiquette" while I was pregnant. They still do not smoke in front of the baby. I am loathe to call them Butt Suckers because of their thoughtfulness.

Butt Suckers do not have "smoking etiquette".

We had all gathered at this church building for Grandma's birthday. It was an enclosed area with very little ventilation. The Butt Suckers lit up. Not only was my nine-month old baby girl in there, but there was also and eleven-month old baby girl as well as other young children. There was absolutely nothing wrong with these adults physically. They could have gotten up out of their seats and went outside to suck their butts. Did they? Of course not! I would have taken KJ outside, but it was too cold. Although, in retrospect, I think it would have been better for her to breathe in cold, fresh air rather than hot, butt sucked air.

I tried to keep her away from the Butt Suckers, but when one's child is as perfect and beautiful as KJ is, people tend to want to be near her, including Butt Suckers. So, with a lit cancer stick in one hand, the Butt Suckers complemented me on my gorgeous offspring. Trying to be courteous (though the leather-clad demi-demon inside was shooting fire at them), I thanked them and proceeded to take her away from their offensive exhaust.

We stayed only about an hour, but the damage was done. KJ's clothes, as well as ours and our hair, reeked of the Butt Suckers fumes. I had to give her Benedryl just so she could breathe at night.

The irony of this is that the main Butt Sucker was trying to convince my husband of the evils of burning candles in the house. He was telling us that regular candles omit carbon monoxide that can be detrimental to the baby. While he was explaining that HIS candles that HE sells are far less dangerous that regular candles, especially to babies, I had KJ in my lap. He lit up a cigarette and proceeded to suck butt in front of us, all the while explaining the dangers of carbon monoxide to infants.

I am in desperate need of replacing the locks on my alter-ego's cage. She almost got out this time. She had about fifty cartons of death sticks lit and ready to shove up this Butt Suckers rectum with a 1970 Ford pick-up, in desperate need of a tune up, running with a hose coming from the exhaust pipe waiting to be shoved down his throat.

Seriously, anybody have the number to Brinks? I need to install a security system on her cage.

Some Useful Information for Budding Alcoholics

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 16:43:47 GMT

I've never had a hangover and I don't intend to start now. However, I've also never drunk myself into a slobbering, vomiting, disgusting stupor either. But, for those of you who have or do, here is a little bit of information that may help you eliminate the hangover.

I found this on a website (http://health.msn.com/menshealth/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100125845>1=7850); it was tested and it is said to work very well. Either drink a ton of water at the end of the night or drink it periodically throughout the evening (an eight ounce glass every two hours or so).

Not into water? Not a problem. Downing about two huge bottles of Gatorade has the same effect.

Staying hydrated keeps the hangover at bay. Plus, the added salt in Gatorade aids in absorbing the fluid quicker, leaving you happy and reading to go after a night of alcohol induced fun.

Drink up and enjoy! But don't drive or I'll kick all ya'lls @$$es!

MUH HA HA HA HA HA!

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 20:40:47 GMT

You Are 52% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Bath Time With KJ

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 13:58:25 GMT

For the first six months of her life, KJ has used a portable baby bathtub for her daily cleansing ritual. However, after trying to bathe her in this plastic blue contraption and ending up with the majority of the water on myself and the floor, I realized the time had come for my darling daughter to graduate to the "Big Girl Bathtub". So, like the good and devoted mother that I am, I decided to clean the tub before I put my precious offspring into it. Once that was accomplished, I ran her bath water...not too hot, not too cold, but just right for my little Roo Poo. Filling it with only a few inches of water, I set my sweet little girl into the tub (along with her hot pink rubber ducky with the green beak) and introduced her to her new swimming pool.

It took her one day to get used to it and now every time we go into the bathroom, she looks at the tub and goes, "Ooo....ooo..." and proceeds to jabber at me this translation:

"Oh, Mommy! Look! There is my bathtub where me and Pink Ducky have ever so much fun splashing and getting wet! Let us play in there right now!"

Well, of course, I let her, since it is, after all, bath time. I run the water as I strip her down, removing her diaper at the last possible minute, for obvious reasons. (No one wants a lap full of baby poop on them. Been there, done that, have the poop stains on my pants to prove it.) And as I bathe my adorable daughter, she splashes and chases her little ducky around the tub, the evasive pink menace escaping her every time.

Well, last night was no exception. Bath time came along and into the bathroom we went. I filled the tub with her water, set Pink Ducky in and KJ, too. I soaped her up and rinsed her off and then just let her splash and play. Now that she is used to the big bathtub, she is becoming more adventurous. She gets on her belly and scoots through the water, sometimes getting it up her nose which leads to coughing and sputtering. Last night, however, she did something she has never done before.

She was sitting up, playing with Pink Ducky, when she suddenly leaned down to bite him and put her mouth in the water. She then pursed her lips and blew, making bubbles in the water. She rose up to look at what she had done...and then it happened.

KJ, my sweet darling daughter, pride of my life, keeper of my heart, fruit of my loins, farted. Farted! In the bathtub!

Needless to say, bubbles filled the water again, coming up the front between her sweet fat little legs. She looked down at herself in shock and then turned those precious little dark eyes up to me as if to say, "What the &*$# was that?!" She then looked down at herself again, as if expecting the bubbles to return. When they did not, she turned to me again and grinned and proceeded to splash and play.

I had never laughed so hard in my life! I wonder if tonight's episode of "Bath Time With KJ" will be as entertaining. I hope she turns the jets on again. She seemed to enjoy it.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 14:06:07 GMT

I just have to say that Keira Knightly looked absolutely gorgeous on Oscar night. She is just so elegant and beautiful, she makes me sick. But, I still love her.

Okay, that's it.

What If...

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 13:16:54 GMT

Everybody wonders "what if" once in a while. Fill it out about the person that posted this and post it as a reply. Don't forget to be honest!

1. I died:

2. I kissed you:

3. I lived next door to you:

4. You found out i was married/had eloped:

5. I stole something:

6. I was hospitalized:

7. I refused to leave my home:

8. I got into a fight while you were there:

::WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::

9. Personality:

10. Eyes:

11. Hair:

12. Family:

::WOULD YOU::

13. Help me hide a body?

14. Keep a secret if I told you one?

15. Hold my hand?

16. Take a bullet for me?

18. Try to solve my problems?

19. Love me?

20. Date me?

::HAVE YOU EVER::

21. Lied to make me feel better?

22. Wanted to kiss me?

23. Wanted to kill me?

24. Broke my heart?

25. Kept something important from me?

26. Thought I was unbearably annoying?

::AND MORE::

27. Who are you?

28. Are we friends?

29. When and how did we meet?

30. Describe me in three word:

31. What was your first impression?

32. Do you still think that way about me now?

33. What reminds you of me?

34. If you could give me anything, what would it be?

35. How well do you know me?

36. When's the last time you saw me?

37. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

38. Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you??

Fear Me, You Leacherous Peasants!

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 20:30:54 GMT

Your Personality Profile

You are sexy, powerful, and bold.
You're full of passion and energy...
Sometimes this passion has a dark side.

You feel most alive when you're seducing someone.
You never fail to get someone's attention.
Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!!

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 15:53:53 GMT

I hate inbred hicks.

Now, I don't know how any of you pronounce the word "envelope", but I pronounce it so that it rhymes with "antelope". That is, if I am using the word as a noun:

envelope (noun): paper cover for letter; a flat pocket of paper with a sealable flap for holding a letter

HOWEVER, I have come to find that the people here (normally the uneducated imbeciles that plague the rural parts of this state, although there have been a few exceptions of seemingly intelligent people doing this) while using the word as a noun, pronounce it as a TRANSITIVE VERB:

envelop (transitive verb): wrap something up; to enclose somebody or something completely (often passive)

So, when they say to me, in that awful backwoods drawl that they all have, "I need an envelop", my skin crawls, my stomach lurches, and any shred of human decency that I have at once had dissolves into flaming, redhot furry and a desire to "Hurt, Maim, Destroy" takes its place (clad in a black leather ensemble with a whip and mace, no less). Fire shoots from my eyes and courses through my veins in a vengeful rage as I seek out to annihilate any and all who DARE to use a verb when a noun is required.

"It's called an ENVELOPE, you disgusting, tobacco chewing, incest loving Cletus!" my alter-ego roars in my head, her steel blade flashing in horrifying glory, mace violently swinging over her head, gore dripping from the spikes of the rounded death tool and spattering against the walls of the dungeon I keep her in.

Oh, just once I would love to unleash her furry on an unsuspecting victim and instill fear into the hearts of any who dare to incense her! Unfortunately, that unbridled passion, anger, blood-lust must be kept restrained for the good of mankind.

But how satisfying it would be to allow her to ENVELOP a desecrator into the arms of a rusting iron maiden.